Tuesday, June 24, 2003
HAPPY GAY PRIDE WEEK!
YAY! This is one of my most favorite weeks of the year. It’s like the one time when you can truly be proud to be a gay and also get away with drinking yourself into an oblivion every night. And all in the name of gayness!
ROCK.
Tonight I am off to Beige, one of the city’s gay hot spots for a Tuesday night. Also, they have a patio in the back where you are allowed to smoke cigarettes. That is like unheard of these days. So, tonight around 11pm, picture me kicking back with my fellow Homo’s, toasting to a week of cruising, drinking, and full out debauchery. Slurp it up baby! SLURP-IT-UP!
This weekend with my parents was fucking fantastic. We laughed so hard and so often. They were overly generous with my birthday gifts, as usual. I mean, I know I’m going to be 26 and all, but I love opening my presents as though I just turned 8. I think they also get a kick out of seeing me revert back to my childhood, when everything I said was “Just what I always wanted” or “Oh cool! Can I play with it now?” The weekend flew by and I was pretty sad to have to say goodbye to them on Sunday. If I could have had the birthday present of my dreams, it would be for them to live much closer. I still look forward to the day when my entire family can get together every Sunday for a big family meal. But until Winfield comes back to the states, there is no chance of that happening. We did talk about him a lot this weekend and for the most part, it was very positive. Only a few tears were shed. And they were cleansing, good tears. It was really nice to be with two people who know what it truly feels like to have Winfield away. As much as my friends are there for me, it’s impossible for them to fully understand how I feel. But with my parents, they get it. I don’t have to say anything about the situation as it’s always on all of our minds. And if you need a hug, you don’t have to ask for one. There are arms around you before you even get the chance to let the first tear fall.
In total, it was a beautiful weekend with them.
So……..we may have a bit of a problem.
Ahmad has returned from his conference.
While he was gone, Paul and I had a really great week together. He is being extra adorable and putting in overtime when it comes to our relationship. We aren’t fighting nearly as much and when he senses that I am upset, he immediately works on correcting the situation. He has gotten more time off from work so that we can spend time together and he doesn’t act as careless with my feelings as he used to. I am floored at the change in his attitude. And mostly, I am happy being with him.
But
As I said, Ahmad has returned home. He had a great conference and came back ready to continue where we left off. When he e-mailed me yesterday morning, my stomach immediately clenched in worry and dread. I had forgotten how close he and I got before he left. Now, granted, he was only gone for 10 days, but in that amount of time, I have been known to have full blown relationships and moved on to my next conquest. Unfortunately for Ahmad, the relationship I had in the last 10 days was with my boyfriend. The one I have been with for 3 and a half years. The one that I am still in love with.
Right before Ahmad left, we had the following conversation:
Ahmad: “Joe, I want to bring something up to you.”
Joe: “Sure. What’s up?”
Ahmad: “Sometimes when I am with you, I feel as though I am the ‘other guy’ and I don’t know how comfortable I am with that.”
Joe: “You feel that way because you ARE the other guy. There is nothing more I can say about it.”
Ahmad: “Am I always going to be the other guy?”
Joe: “As of right now, yes. Who knows about the future.”
Ahmad: “Do you not want to talk about it anymore?”
Joe: “Not especially.”
Ahmad: “Then we won’t.”
After having this quick dialogue, I could tell that he was a bit upset. But there is nothing I can do about that. I can’t give him any false hope that he and I are going to jump into a relationship. I still want Paul. And even more than I want Paul, I want to be single and independent. Most people take months or years to bounce back into their single life. I feel like I have been bouncing back into it slowly for the last year. The last thing I want to do is have a relationship with ANYONE else. Ahmad included. Sure, time can change that, but for now, I am putting the focus back on myself. Paul can come along for the ride, but no one else.
At (almost) 26 years old, it’s about time to put the focus back on me.
When Ahmad and I spoke on the phone today, he asked me what we would be doing together for Gay Pride Week. I explained to him that I am already booked up for the most part, but I could fit him in somewhere this weekend. My biggest fear is that he is going to show up at one of the bars I am at. This is my fear, because most likely, Paul will be accompanying me wherever I go. At least until Friday night. Then he has to work all weekend. I told Ahmad where I was going out tonight and IMAGINE if he shows up there while I am with Paul? I will probably have a heart attack while spewing vomit out of my mouth and diarrhea out of my ass. I’m in no way ready for THAT confrontation.
Plus, in some ways, I want neither of them to go out with my friends and me. I would LOVE to meet a new guy tonight. As we all know, I am in the midst of a game called “Sluts or Bust” and I am not getting many points hanging out with these two bwahs. Tonight’s bar should definitely net me some hotties. But not if my ballS and chainS show up. Man…I am a pathetic, selfish, asshole. And I love it.
Ahmad got me presents while he was in Vegas. He had mentioned to me that he was going to try to get me a robe from the Ritz Carlton (where he was staying). When he told me how much one of those robes cost, I told him to NEVER EVER spend that kind of money on me. (knot in my stomach) I think he still got it for me. As much as I am excited to see what he is going to get me for my birthday, (knot in stomach) I won’t accept anything too extravagant. Cuz then I would feel as though I owe him something. And I ain’t owing anyone shit just because I am cute, adorable, and fun. Right? Right.
Wish me luck, my people!
One more word about the donation thing…
THANK YOU to everyone who sent us a payment. You MADE my day yesterday. And are totally helping us reach our goals. We will be taking donations until the first weekend of October, so don’t worry that it will ever be too late for you to send us a gift. However…please…and I mean PLEASE…understand that no one in any way should feel guilted or obligated into giving us a dime. I am given so much love from this journal daily and I appreciate that more than anything. I just figured that, while I have the outlet available to me, I might as well try and take advantage of it. Right? Sassy sends mugs, Eelnahs sends CD’s, Joe begs you for your money. It really is a nice system we got goin. I just appreciate all of your love and support so much. The donation thing was just a long shot. And of course I will keep everyone posted as to how it all goes! The auditions are tomorrow night! YAY and also HORK! (a bit nervous)
Enjoy the sun!
And if it’s raining where you live, you probably deserve it. It’s been raining in NYC for weeks.
YAY GAY PRIDE!
YAY! This is one of my most favorite weeks of the year. It’s like the one time when you can truly be proud to be a gay and also get away with drinking yourself into an oblivion every night. And all in the name of gayness!
ROCK.
Tonight I am off to Beige, one of the city’s gay hot spots for a Tuesday night. Also, they have a patio in the back where you are allowed to smoke cigarettes. That is like unheard of these days. So, tonight around 11pm, picture me kicking back with my fellow Homo’s, toasting to a week of cruising, drinking, and full out debauchery. Slurp it up baby! SLURP-IT-UP!
This weekend with my parents was fucking fantastic. We laughed so hard and so often. They were overly generous with my birthday gifts, as usual. I mean, I know I’m going to be 26 and all, but I love opening my presents as though I just turned 8. I think they also get a kick out of seeing me revert back to my childhood, when everything I said was “Just what I always wanted” or “Oh cool! Can I play with it now?” The weekend flew by and I was pretty sad to have to say goodbye to them on Sunday. If I could have had the birthday present of my dreams, it would be for them to live much closer. I still look forward to the day when my entire family can get together every Sunday for a big family meal. But until Winfield comes back to the states, there is no chance of that happening. We did talk about him a lot this weekend and for the most part, it was very positive. Only a few tears were shed. And they were cleansing, good tears. It was really nice to be with two people who know what it truly feels like to have Winfield away. As much as my friends are there for me, it’s impossible for them to fully understand how I feel. But with my parents, they get it. I don’t have to say anything about the situation as it’s always on all of our minds. And if you need a hug, you don’t have to ask for one. There are arms around you before you even get the chance to let the first tear fall.
In total, it was a beautiful weekend with them.
So……..we may have a bit of a problem.
Ahmad has returned from his conference.
While he was gone, Paul and I had a really great week together. He is being extra adorable and putting in overtime when it comes to our relationship. We aren’t fighting nearly as much and when he senses that I am upset, he immediately works on correcting the situation. He has gotten more time off from work so that we can spend time together and he doesn’t act as careless with my feelings as he used to. I am floored at the change in his attitude. And mostly, I am happy being with him.
But
As I said, Ahmad has returned home. He had a great conference and came back ready to continue where we left off. When he e-mailed me yesterday morning, my stomach immediately clenched in worry and dread. I had forgotten how close he and I got before he left. Now, granted, he was only gone for 10 days, but in that amount of time, I have been known to have full blown relationships and moved on to my next conquest. Unfortunately for Ahmad, the relationship I had in the last 10 days was with my boyfriend. The one I have been with for 3 and a half years. The one that I am still in love with.
Right before Ahmad left, we had the following conversation:
Ahmad: “Joe, I want to bring something up to you.”
Joe: “Sure. What’s up?”
Ahmad: “Sometimes when I am with you, I feel as though I am the ‘other guy’ and I don’t know how comfortable I am with that.”
Joe: “You feel that way because you ARE the other guy. There is nothing more I can say about it.”
Ahmad: “Am I always going to be the other guy?”
Joe: “As of right now, yes. Who knows about the future.”
Ahmad: “Do you not want to talk about it anymore?”
Joe: “Not especially.”
Ahmad: “Then we won’t.”
After having this quick dialogue, I could tell that he was a bit upset. But there is nothing I can do about that. I can’t give him any false hope that he and I are going to jump into a relationship. I still want Paul. And even more than I want Paul, I want to be single and independent. Most people take months or years to bounce back into their single life. I feel like I have been bouncing back into it slowly for the last year. The last thing I want to do is have a relationship with ANYONE else. Ahmad included. Sure, time can change that, but for now, I am putting the focus back on myself. Paul can come along for the ride, but no one else.
At (almost) 26 years old, it’s about time to put the focus back on me.
When Ahmad and I spoke on the phone today, he asked me what we would be doing together for Gay Pride Week. I explained to him that I am already booked up for the most part, but I could fit him in somewhere this weekend. My biggest fear is that he is going to show up at one of the bars I am at. This is my fear, because most likely, Paul will be accompanying me wherever I go. At least until Friday night. Then he has to work all weekend. I told Ahmad where I was going out tonight and IMAGINE if he shows up there while I am with Paul? I will probably have a heart attack while spewing vomit out of my mouth and diarrhea out of my ass. I’m in no way ready for THAT confrontation.
Plus, in some ways, I want neither of them to go out with my friends and me. I would LOVE to meet a new guy tonight. As we all know, I am in the midst of a game called “Sluts or Bust” and I am not getting many points hanging out with these two bwahs. Tonight’s bar should definitely net me some hotties. But not if my ballS and chainS show up. Man…I am a pathetic, selfish, asshole. And I love it.
Ahmad got me presents while he was in Vegas. He had mentioned to me that he was going to try to get me a robe from the Ritz Carlton (where he was staying). When he told me how much one of those robes cost, I told him to NEVER EVER spend that kind of money on me. (knot in my stomach) I think he still got it for me. As much as I am excited to see what he is going to get me for my birthday, (knot in stomach) I won’t accept anything too extravagant. Cuz then I would feel as though I owe him something. And I ain’t owing anyone shit just because I am cute, adorable, and fun. Right? Right.
Wish me luck, my people!
One more word about the donation thing…
THANK YOU to everyone who sent us a payment. You MADE my day yesterday. And are totally helping us reach our goals. We will be taking donations until the first weekend of October, so don’t worry that it will ever be too late for you to send us a gift. However…please…and I mean PLEASE…understand that no one in any way should feel guilted or obligated into giving us a dime. I am given so much love from this journal daily and I appreciate that more than anything. I just figured that, while I have the outlet available to me, I might as well try and take advantage of it. Right? Sassy sends mugs, Eelnahs sends CD’s, Joe begs you for your money. It really is a nice system we got goin. I just appreciate all of your love and support so much. The donation thing was just a long shot. And of course I will keep everyone posted as to how it all goes! The auditions are tomorrow night! YAY and also HORK! (a bit nervous)
Enjoy the sun!
And if it’s raining where you live, you probably deserve it. It’s been raining in NYC for weeks.
YAY GAY PRIDE!
